When Dragons don’t Text Back

‘Would you rather be a dragon or a unicorn?’

I repeat the question my sweetfriend asked the night before

‘Oh. That’s a good question!’

‘Well?’

‘Dragon. Definitely dragon.’

I text my friend too much. Sometimes she responds. Sometimes she doesn’t.

I know she loves me.

She makes me feel safe, absorbs my madness and spits out rational thought in her sleep

We talk about sex, fuckery, and the magic of extra biscuits

I am learning this is what friends do

Practicing the art of leaning into my sexuality isn’t a joke

Especially since I tend to extremes, abstinence or Lilith on fleek

These are my settings

Fate and the Universe have sent me on a side-quest to balance

My friend is my inspiration, guide, and also the dragon who lives in old, dark caves fucking with nearby villagers

Weary traveler, exhausted from my quest, I approach the village

Naturally, recognizing my warrior status, the villagers solicit me for assistance

I oblige

Slowly I trek up the mountain to the cave where the dragon sleeps

My approach wakes her. I find her to be perfectly lovely, if a bit surly

She explains that the villagers often climb through her caves and interrupt her sleep

To ward them off, occasionally, she takes to burning one or twelve of them to a crisp

She says they taste wonderful with salt. I laugh

This is how our friendship begins, the warrior and the dragon

I came to slay, but stayed to play

Anyway, I’m texting my friend

We are talking about sex and trips and food that makes us come

I eat a canna-chocolate and write one last message before sleep pulls me under

Typing it, I am glad for her, her fiery mouth and her ancient wisdom

The text is word vomit in the form of late night poetic mania

I know she will not respond, I send it anyway

When she reads it I know she’ll think I’m ridiculous,

Smiling to myself, I think of where we began

Ridiculous, isn’t that what dragons think of man?

Skimming the surface

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I feel seen by your eyes; this frightens me

A bead of sweat drips down your face. I stare, enthralled. I find myself contemplating its flavor.

Your mouth has got me shook. I cant. Stop. Staring.

I peek inside your mind and find it lined with shelves, littered with papers and books, some left open and forgotten. I imagine you skim through them from time to time. But only when necessary

I want to be there when you get out of the shower to smooth your skin with shea butter while your body is still steaming, and hot, and wet

Sometimes, I imagine you’re stretched out beside me. We lay on cool green grass below a tall sprawling tree, sheltered from the blazing sun

you know how when you’re reading and you realize your mind has wandered? Well, my mind wanders to you

I fantasize about loving you. For this, I blame you and I blame Audre. In no particular order.

If I’m right, you think of me slightly less than I think of you, this both draws me back and drives me forward

List for me the following:

your favorite book

your favorite poem

your favorite song

I want to search for you in their words

The next time we are alone, I will not tell you how I feel

I write around you, not about you. I tell myself skimming over you is easier than diving in.

Meandering

I don’t know if what I am is manic

When I spill all over the place

Seem to spatter onto whatever I can find for canvas

Wild, sporadic

Without reason, but with intent

But the calculations run in the background

Hidden from me

Negative space

Writing this i am aware i am mixing metaphors

I am trying to decide if i care

I care too much and what I mean by that is i care too little

Grilling away at the smallest details

I lost where I started.

Sometimes, I step in or outside of myself and  wonder how I got here, look around my room and wonder who chose to put that picture on the wall, or who drank that tea?

Not me.

Shadow

I often regret speaking

as soon as the words leave my mouth

i wish them back

want to pull them back,

I have a desperate need to be loved

Wanted, it’s classic and cliche and yet

there it is

trailing after me,

a sad, wilted shadow,

straining for sunlight

waiting to grow and stretch and bask

in golden warmth

but i shy away from it

find that I love when shadow

merges with shadow

creating perpetual darkness

it is when i am here that i am most afraid

Chaos is Order 

My mind is getting chaotic again
The evidence sits around me

in piles of clothes and pages and cups

of half drunk tea &coffee &beer 

scattered bits of my reality lay abandoned

in different stages of interaction

Like bouys out at sea
This is what the soul weaving looks like

This is what the soul bleeding looks like: 
Chaos

Hidden order 
Creation and destruction have a similar face

Hail from the same place

Leave me aching

In the same space
This room is getting smaller now
walls are closing in

As my mind expands

This space contracts

Pushing me deeper

into myself
deep

chaotic

wide
Like the depths of the sea
dangerous

mysterious 
It’s not enough to just

Dip a toe into the waters

Of chaos

It is necessary, for me

to become totally, utterly
Submerged 

Burning Bridges

I cast my torch upon the straw.  Tiny sparks flew from the fiery light as atoms merged and expanded, shooting flames upon the rotting post.  I stepped back, marveling at how quickly chaos reigned. Flames danced across the boards, weakening their resolve, until they ultimately crumbled to ash, and fell to the ground.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

I hesitated, only for an instant; then remembering what she had said, raised my head toward the highest flame and gave up my silent prayer.  This bridge would serve as a symbol, as would it’s ashes.

Bending down, I retrieved a small, glass vial from my cloak pocket, and scooped up the ashes from the post, before replacing the stopper into the vial.  Returning it to my pocket, I closed me eyes and drew a steadying breath.  Hands toward the sky,  I recited the incantation,  just as the woman had instructed.

I waited, nothing happened. I felt no different than I had the moment before.  Had I missed something? Perhaps not, the woman hadn’t said that I should feel anything, I just assumed that I would.  No matter. Resolving that I had no choice but to move on, I slipped my feet from my boots and in doing so, nearly lost my footing.

The earth shifted and my vision altered.  I felt my body spiral, carrying me full circle before throwing me upon the earth. It writhed and twisted.  Soft moans escaped my lips, partnered with words I had never before heard, let alone uttered.  I was not my own, yet I was not afraid.  It felt almost – natural. Almost.

It was with this realization that my body’s uncontrollable writhing ceased.  I lay there, suddenly naked, upon the forest floor.  Burning bridge throwing it’s heated glow upon my motionless form as Shadowy figures played upon my flesh.

Though the movement had stopped, the incantations remained.  Freckled with the occasional moan, the language came bolder, far bolder than during the madness moments before.  I felt an energy growing inside of me.  Pulsing through my veins.  Building and swimming around my body, until I was full.

Filled to the brim and certain I would burst.  Certain my skin would break open and I would explode. Sensation of madness returning to my conscious mind, the words turned to screams ripping woefully from my throat.  All sanity threatened to abandon me…threatened to leave me forever until … it didn’t.

The screaming stopped.  An ear piercing Snap! cracked through the trees, reverberating off of the forest floor, and back to where I lay.

I opened my eyes and found myself no longer surrounded by trees, but blossoms.  Thousands of red blossoms blanketed the earth, yet, the bridge was still there.  Still burning.

Looking through the flames, I could almost make out a figure on the other side; cast upon the ground, surrounded by trees.  The forest.  Was that me ?  How could I be there, when I was so plainly here ?  How did I cross the bridge, when I had not moved from where I lay naked, upon the earth ?

My fingers encircled the shaft of the torch as proof, for it remained just where I had cast it down.  And the bridge still burned. Never mind.  There was no time for that.  I had far greater things weighing upon my mind, making the how and why of my present circumstances trivial at best.

Rising to my feet, I struggled to orient myself.  Which way should I go? I appeared to be in the middle of an infinitely large clearing, unable to see anything but flowers and sky, in any direction I gazed. What I wouldn’t have done for a compass, though I was not entirely certain how that would assist my endeavor, especially considering the fact that I had no true inkling as to what it was that I was looking for. Nor where I was to go in search of it.  It would have made me feel a bit better though.

Lowering my body to the earth once more, I knelt, digging my fingers into the soil and tilted my head to better observe the blossoms.  They all appeared to have their faces lifted slightly towards the sky and listing a bit to the left.   If that was the way that the flowers were looking, that was the way I would go. The soil beneath my hands seemed to pulse in assent.  Letting it fall from my fingers, I rose to the ground and began my journey. One foot in front of the other, was to me, the best course of action. That was, unless I wanted to try to cross back over the bridge…but that seemed like a problem for another day, and worlds away.

No, whatever was in store for me, lay to the left, and it seemed, only the flowers knew how to get me there.

Tell Me More

I remember kissing you,

Rolling over and pulling your body into mine

Inhaling the musky, earthy scent of you.

Somehow, I worked up the courage to

Look into your eyes and you,

Lovely you,

Gazed back, unflinching, unmoving.

Tentatively, I ran my fingers through your hair,

I touched each strand,  and let them fall through,

Weave themselves around my fingers and watched

In wonder as your eyes drifted slowly closed,

Contented.

Your smile sent warmth directly to my soul

I lived to see that smile tug at the corners of  your mouth,

Watched as your lips ordered me to kiss them,

Swooned while your eyes begged me to love them,

Wrapping my arms around your body

I buried my face in your neck and felt

You open to me, welcome me.

You spoke to me in the language of my heart

A language I had thought only I understood

But that first night, I looked into your eyes and

From the moment our lips touched

You spoke to me, fluent and clear,

Whispered your understanding,

And I heard my heart say,

Tell me more.