I sit at the bar reading The Ethical Slut
Trying to pretend I’m not broken
Acting like I haven’t spent the night
Spilling my guts to the inside of a paper bag
I woke up just after the sun, with my mind reeling
Learning to identify the way regret feels on the inside of my bones
I’ve got fucked up priorities
This is clear to me, in the way glasses are when they come in from the rain
New year, new me
I wish it was a thing I believed
There are so many things I don’t believe
So many truths I’ve learned were false
Here is a truth I know:
I’ve been too focused on love, not on life
It’s funny because I’m currently mystified, my next step escapes me
I’m just wandering, bleary eyed and wild hearted
This life is moving by me, through me and I’m having a time keeping up, and with it, and present
I’ve begun to weave so many different patterns and I am unsure how they will come together
I have a strong desire to just say, fuck it.
To take something large and hard and durable and smash the shit out of everything around me.
I was so optimistic yesterday,
We’ll see how I feel tomorrow.