Epiphones are radical. They are the culmination of a series of thoughts which you have undoubtedly had before, but occur in a moment when your mind is completely open to accepting those thoughts as truths, instead of dismissing them, or rationalizing them away as is generally the case.
I had an epiphone today. It was a long time coming, and had tried desperately to rear it’s ugly head before, but I was in no mind to acknowledge, let alone deal with it.
A survivor of sexual abuse (particularly childhood sexual abuse) does not realize how utterly and completely sex rules their life. Today, I came to the realization that my sexual abuse has touched so many aspects of my daily existence. It has soured countless relationships/potential relationships with one thing, that I took as complete and total, unquestionable truth: when push came to shove, the only thing people wanted from me, was sex.
Now, I had examined myself, gone to therapy, medicated, talked, screamed, cried, and fancied myself mostly past the side effects of my abuse. That is not to say that I did not realize that there were things here and there which would pop up, but I would deal with those issues as they arose and continue to move forward.
What I did not realize, was that my own perception of myself and of the world was skewed. I was looking through a dirtied lense and taking all that I saw for truth. Priding myself on my ability to read people, circumstances, and employ logic and reason to determine the reality of the situation. I never considered that the eyes with which i was seeing, as well as the mind with which I was deducing, were lying to me, processing an incorrect picture. When reason is based in falsehood, it is not reason at all.
I had a friend who set me on the path to realizing this truth. Only six months after setting out on this path to discovery, have I finally reached the entry way. I am finally seeing what I have known for so long, what my friend was desperately trying to tell me: sexual abuse alters perception. Sexual abuse poisons the mind. Sexual abuse harms us in ways we can never fully imagine.
Only with deep reflection and extreme mindfulness are we able to uncover and amass the infected areas, and successfully root out the poison.
It is a revolutionary concept to me, that relationships can be entirely nonsexual. The notion that two people can come together and share thoughts, hours, experiences and not want to sleep with eachother, not have one person motivated by the primary goal of using the other for their own sexual gain, is utterly revolutionary.
How many relationships, friendships, might I still have, had I realized this one beautiful truth? Countless. Yet there is no point in looking back in regret, only in reflection to learn, accept, and move forward.
I think of this friend, and of the times that we had together and I think of how much time I wasted viewing our relationship through my dirtied lense. I think how skewed thinking and perception poisoned our relationship and ultimately brought it to an end:
Why is this person spending time with me? Talking to me? Sharing with me? Teaching me? Taking time out of their personal schedule and life to be with me? They must want something. They must.
NO. No, not everyone has some selfish, sexual desire urging them forward. No, sometimes people just want to spend time with a like mind. Sometimes people just want a friend to talk to, bounce ideas off of and to learn from.
Not everyone is going to hurt you.
That is a tough pill to swallow; that not everyone is going to completely destroy your soul. There are bad people, yes. But there are good people too. Beautiful people. Wonderful people. People who are here to teach you and to add richness and greatness to your life – and you to theirs.
Only with a true understanding of your self worth; an understanding that yes, there are sexual relationships. Yes, you were exposed to that truth in a premature and viscious way, at a time when you were still learning the ways of life, and of the world. But life is not always viscious. People are not always selfish. Relationships are not always sexual.
Trust is hard. Trust is a thing we hold tightly to our breast; I trusted those who betrayed it so devastatingly, when I was so young, so innocent. Trust is a thing which must be earned. But I am more mindful now, I am aware of my dirtied lenses and I am making an effort to clean them on a regular basis.
Perhaps with cleaner vision, and a clearer mind, we can learn to let people in. We can learn how to see the reality of the situation. Not everything is about sex. Sometimes, it is just about love.